Freedom and Formalities
Every day is ‘casual Friday’ now for life in community. We’ve dispensed with the formalities of social interaction, patting ourselves on the back for the modern relaxation in relationships. If forms were clothing, we’d be naked. But they are clothing, in a way - draping personal exchange with dignity and distance, and veiling the mystery of the Other to allow for closeness without violation.
I’m not suggesting a full press return to calling cards, hand kissing, dinner seating by rank, hat tipping and use of formal titles. Perhaps some new forms are called for in new times. Or, we might refill old forms with meaning and intention, to good effect. As for the new, I suggest three:
The Double Introduction
Email two people you know, who should know each other. Using the basic form “X and Y, I want to put the two of you in contact. X is/does/wants ______, and Y is/does/has _______, so I hope you’ll be glad of a new connection. My love/best regards/blessings to you both, (signed, your name). If either copies you on contacting the other, ignore it. Let any further exchange occur between them.
The Communication Advisory
To have difficulty keeping up with communication channels is human; to give no response is grievous fault. Determine what standards you will uphold, set up systems to enact your intentions (calendar reminders, clear inbox weekly, action priority symbols, to-do lists…whatever it takes). Let people know how best to contact you, and when they can expect a response (if not immediately). Then let your word be your bond. Once someone knows that your intention is to respond (next week, next month, next year), he won’t worry about not hearing from you in the meantime, stress over whether to resend the original message, or imagine you are angry or dead. Then, when you keep your word, the bond of trust grows between you.
The Time Offer
Wishing to spend time together does not make it happen. Block off some Real Dates on your calendar, please, and then open them to the actuality of Real Presence by offering them to Real People. You might add “If these dates don’t work for you, please send some possibilities further out.” These are invitations to freedom and real relationship, not burdensome or empty formalities. The invitation is a little verbal structure, or form, that carries a little goodwill.
As for refilling old forms, I suggest we resurrect the R.S.V.P., the thank-you note and sit-down dinners with conversation. I love it when gentlemen open doors for me, and I wish all my friends had formal at-home days.
May all your forms be full!
“The elemental courtesies of conventional etiquette and good manners are the vital channels for preserving this spirit in everyday life. ...an education that actively cultivates such modes of behavior will begin the process of building a society that is liturgical to its very core, in which the ‘air’ of grace can circulate. Harmony of soul can only be restored through effort, and the restoration of manners and kindness is an important beginning. Without it, little else is possible.”